Is She Flirting or Just Being Friendly? | The Science of Mixed Signals

This episode is about mixed signals — why men can overestimate women's sexual interest, why women can underestimate men's, and what this means for dating.

A warm conversation can feel like chemistry. Friendliness can look like flirting. And your own attraction may colour how much interest you think someone is showing.

Some studies find that men overestimate women's sexual interest while women underestimate men's. But the pattern is not universal: research on general sexual desires also finds that women can overestimate what men want.

Starting with my own experience of asking out a bartender, I discuss five papers on misread attraction, projection, missed signals, testosterone and sexual expectations — and what men can take from them before investing emotionally or assuming the interest is mutual.

Make your interest clear. Accept the answer. Your attraction does not establish hers.

– CHAPTERS –

00:00 Is She Flirting or Just Being Friendly?
01:18 My Experience: Asking Out a Bartender
04:12 When Attraction Gets Misread
05:18 What This Means for Men #1
06:24 Your Desire Can Colour Your Judgment
07:39 What This Means for Men #2
08:15 When Men's Interest Gets Missed
10:10 What This Means for Men #3
11:27 Testosterone Is Not the Whole Explanation
12:34 What This Means for Men #4
13:29 Women Can Overestimate Men's Sexual Desires Too
14:49 What This Means for Men #5
16:09 Final Thoughts: Clarity, Consent & Rejection

Disclaimer: This video is commentary and personal opinion. The studies examine group averages, self-reports, perceptions and an experimental treatment; they do not establish any individual's intentions. Sexual interest, romantic interest and commitment are different. The 2025 adolescent paper used data collected in 2013; the 2026 paper concerns general sexual desires, not attraction to a specific person. Personal anecdotes and broader claims about friendship, age, false allegations or mental health are not findings established by these five papers. This is not financial, legal, psychological, medical or relationship advice. Sexual interest is not consent.

Support: If you are in crisis, contact your local crisis line or emergency services. In Australia, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. Outside Australia, find a local helpline through Befrienders Worldwide. If life is in immediate danger, call your local emergency number.

#ExistentialEvan #MixedSignals #EvolutionaryPsychology

– REFERENCES –

Misreading Sexual Interest:

Perilloux, C., Easton, J. A., & Buss, D. M. (2012). The misperception of sexual interest. Psychological Science, 23(2), 146–151. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797611424162

Projection & Sexual Interest:

Lee, A. J., Sidari, M. J., Murphy, S. C., Sherlock, J. M., & Zietsch, B. P. (2020). Sex differences in misperceptions of sexual interest can be explained by sociosexual orientation and men projecting their own interest onto women. Psychological Science, 31(2), 184–192. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797619900315

Missed Signals in Adolescence:

Stavang, M., Bendixen, M., & Kennair, L. E. O. (2025). Adolescent development of sexual misperception biases: Females increasingly overperceived, males consistently underperceived. Evolution and Human Behavior, 46(6), Article 106758. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2025.106758

Testosterone & Perceived Interest:

Goetz, S. M. M., Lucas, T., & Carré, J. M. (2024). Under the influence: Exogenous testosterone influences men’s cross-sex perceptions of sexual interest. Frontiers in Psychology, 15, Article 1425389. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1425389

Beliefs About Men's & Women's Sexual Desires:

Baca, P. A., Costello, W., Hahnel-Peeters, R. K., Thomas, A. G., Schmitt, D. P., & Buss, D. M. (2026). Cross-sex and intrasexual theory of mind: Perceptions of sex-typical sexual desires. Evolution and Human Behavior, 47(3), Article 106842. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.evolhumbehav.2026.106842

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